How to Communicate Better with Your Child
How to Talk So Your Kids Actually Listen (and How to Listen So They Talk)
When parents struggle with how to better communicate with their child, I often recommend the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It’s full of practical, down-to-earth strategies for connecting with kids — without yelling or losing your cool.
If you’ve ever asked your child how their day was and gotten a one-word answer like “fine,” you’re definitely not alone. Communicating with kids can sometimes feel like trying to decode a secret language. But the good news is that improving communication doesn’t take expert-level parenting skills — just a few small changes that make a big difference.
Let’s break down a few tried-and-true strategies that really work.
1. Start with Listening, Not Lecturing
Good communication starts with good listening. Kids can tell when we’re only half paying attention — when we’re scrolling through our phones or thinking about dinner plans.
To build better communication, give your child your full attention. Put distractions aside, make eye contact, and really listen for the feelings behind their words. Sometimes, they don’t want you to fix the problem; they just want to know you get it.
You can try saying things like:
“That sounds really frustrating.”
“I can see why you’d feel that way.”
When kids feel heard, they’re far more likely to open up next time.
2. Use “When–Then” Instead of “If You Don’t”
Here’s a simple communication shift that can make a big difference: replace threats with choices.
Instead of saying, “If you don’t clean your room, you can’t watch TV,” try, “When your room is clean, then you can watch TV.”
It’s a small change, but it shifts the tone from punishment to cooperation. Your child feels more in control — and you still set clear, positive boundaries.
3. Ask Better Questions
“How was school?” almost always gets you a one-word answer. But asking more specific, open-ended questions helps kids share real details. Try asking:
“Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
“What made you laugh today?”
“Was there anything tricky about your day?”
These kinds of questions show genuine interest and invite real conversation, not just quick replies.
4. Stay Calm During Tough Moments
When emotions run high — yours or your child’s — meaningful communication goes out the window. Kids watch how we handle stress, frustration, and anger.
If your child is upset, take a deep breath before responding. You might say, “I can see you’re really mad right now. Let’s both calm down before we talk.”
This helps your child feel safe and teaches them how to regulate their own emotions.
5. Be Honest and Real
Kids respect honesty. If you make a mistake, it’s okay to own up to it. Saying, “You’re right — I didn’t handle that well,” models humility and growth.
It also builds trust, which is the foundation for healthy, open communication.
6. End on a Positive Note
Use everyday moments — car rides, bedtime, or dinner — as small opportunities to connect. Share something from your day or ask about something funny that happened at school.
When your conversations end on a positive note, kids start to associate talking with you as a safe, enjoyable experience — not a stressful one.
Final Thoughts
Building better communication with your kids isn’t about being perfect — it’s about being present. When children feel heard, respected, and understood, they’ll naturally open up more. And as you practice these small shifts, you’ll not only strengthen your communication but also deepen your connection with your child.
